hard times

I have had a really tough time these past few weeks/months. not many people know but recently I separated from my husband of four years due to domestic violence. for me this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do as I am so madly in love with him.

now don’t get me wrong, im not making excuses but what he did was totally out of character for him to do. he’s usually a loving kind helpful man and a wonderful father to our two children. what happened was a build up of things where we were unable to talk to each other about situations in our lives that had spiralled out of control which eventually led to him hitting me. at the time it happened I never wanted to see him again because I was hurting so I had him arrested.  he was charged with assault by beating and had to pay me compensation which I felt only scratched the surface of what I wanted to happen to him, but all that was just the anger talking.

now ive had time to reflect on the events which led to this happening I understand that both of us were struggling with things which had happened in the past which neither of us had faced up to.

we met a secondary school when I was just 15, I fell so in love with him then but as I had had a difficult childhood I was afraid of love and screwed it all up by hurting him and sleeping with someone else.

we spent four years apart and the whole time I was away from him he was all I ever thought about. I did meet someone in those four years and it was a relationship which resulted in me having my first child at the age of 18. but it was never a happy relationship. the man I was with was a nasty man right to his core and although I regret the relationship I don’t regret my daughter. I was emotionally and physically abused by him the entire time, I lost my friends and I lost my job as a result of this and somewhere along the line I lost myself.

then it all changed for me. I saw what this relationship was doing to my daughter and I couldn’t face the rest of my life knowing I was with a man who used us as objects to get what he wanted so I found the strength to leave him after four long hard years. around the same time that same boy I fell in love with at school came to me like a light shining through the darkness and helped me to be strong. he made me see why I had fallen in love with him all those years before back at school.

some people might say he was a rebound relationship, some others might say it was a whirlwind romance but to me it was my soul mate finally coming to save me from what I had become.

at first our relationship was amazing! he took on my daughter like she was his own flesh and blood and was everything to me that I ever wanted but I took him for granted. we got back together in the September of 2006 and shortly after that he proposed to me. we was going to wait until the following September to get married but due to close family members becoming ill we moved the wedding forward to April 2007. sadly the one person who we both wanted to be there died on the 2nd April, his mother. she was one amazing person, a true angel living on earth and she is greatly missed. the wedding still went ahead on the 28th but we could all tell that she was missing.

a few weeks after the wedding I found out I was pregnant with my second child to this day I still think of him as my little miracle. its like he was put in me to help me cope with what was going to happen and to keep me focused on the important things like my family. sadly that year we also lost another important member of our family, this time it was my granddad. he was my role model, my strength and almost like a dad to me so I took this very hard.  but fortunately I had my unborn son to keep me on track.

the day he was born was an amazing day for me and my husband and I will remember it for the rest of my life, because for me that moment was everything I had ever dreamed about, everything I had ever hoped for and yet it was sooo much more that I can describe.

things were ok for a while afterwards I suppose if there was a problem I did what I always did and avoid it and just got on with things and as I look back I suppose my husband did the same, untill he began to get ill.

I guess my husband has been struggling with his mums death since it happened and I suppose it was another one of those things that I avoided as I was grieving for my granddad. he had lost so much weight in such a short time that I was finding it almost impossible to ask if he was ok. I watched his body become weak and just swept it under the carpet like all the rest of our problems. until I started the alpha course at my local church.

I started to believe that there was light at the end of the tunnel and that things could be ok if I started to talk about them. but I still wasn’t ready to talk to people so I found a way to talk to god through prayer. the very first time I did I felt as thought a whole weight was lifted from me and the rush of being able to do that was so unbelievably amazing! that was the day I started my journey.

although my marriage continued to break down I was ok because I had found god. I had found someone who would not discriminate because of my past, someone who would love me no matter what decision I made and would always be there for me. I felt safe.

as I was coming to the end of the course my marriage was over and I found myself as a single parent with two wonderful children. I was missing a huge part of me but still I was able to continue day by day and for that im still amazed by to this day.

we did briefly get back together and give it another go but things were so different I hardly recognised my husband anymore. I was living with a stranger. we no longer was that happy in love couple we was when we had started out in 2006 and that was upsetting. again problems were avoided and eventually let to my husband being arrested for hitting me.

I suppose as I think about it maby if I had talked to him more and vice-versa maby things would never have got that bad. if we faced up to things instead of running away then who knows maby we would still be together today.

choices lead us all down different paths and maby if I had made different ones I would not be here today writing this, but truth be told, as heartbroken as I am, im glad im here. I have made many mistakes in my life, made one to many bad choices but with the strength and love of the people around me today I have made it! im happy with where my life is headed and im thankful for that. if I ever start loosing my faith in god I sit down and take a look at my past and see how he has been there  with me, holding my hand every step of the way.

I am not preaching im just sharing my life with you so you can have a better understanding of who I am.

my name is lianne smith im 25 years old and just beginning my life! I have so much more to look forward to and so many people around me to help me along the way . thank you everyone x I love you all xx


About skywatcher2011

i am new to this blogging and my life has been chaotic i am thankful for everyone who has been a part of it. i am a Christian and i have very strong beliefs and opinions and would like to share my experiences with god and all of you out there in need of a little inspiration xxx

Posted on May 15, 2011, in life. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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